»me«

escapism is such a beautiful concept.

''escape'' - to be free; to be rid off

To escape from yourself till you're lost when you stop and question, ''who am I?'' ...''what am I escaping from?''

To escape from anger, hurt, pain, secrets...from words never to be repeated. Words that are loudest in moments of silence.

To escape to a holiday. To freedom. To a sense of 'space'...if only for a few days.

To escape responsibility. To not engage in tasks you were meant to. Tasks that you are expected to engage in.

To escape into love. Into the warmth of being cared for...of being cherished.

To escape into nature. 'Touch-me-not(s)'. Wild cats. The endless wisdom and memory of an elephant...the distance in his eyes...you almost see god.

Escape into a search for truth. In search of a purpose. In search of something elusive...you don't know what.

Escape into a conversation...you only ever had twice.

Escape into memories...of which you have no recollection.

Escape into yourself...is there depth to escape into?

Escapism is such a beautiful concept. Till you figure out what you're escaping from.

what is it like to be hungry all day? to not be able to see and yet sense light? to hear the collective sigh of a thousand hearts beating in anticipation?

to walk down the street and have others look at you in respect - for the hope you give them.

to almost drown and then feel life reaching out for you.

to kill - and have no one know - yet die everyday, because your conscience won't let you live.

to jump off a bridge while attached to a giant rubberband.

to kiss true love...again.

to be blinded by your own purpose of life.

to sleep and not awake.

to experience - once more - waking up for the first time ever.

to fly.

to swim in the middle of an ocean.

to see the wreck of the titanic at the bottom of the ocean.

to see the bermuda triangle - and live to tell the tale.

to not have regret.

...comes all the way back around...

watched 'salaam-e-ishq' last night :) quite liked it...don't know what the fuss is about. It isn't a 'soul-searching' kinda movie...but an enjoyable enough movie for romantics at heart...

Also reminded me about the time i was alone at home, laying down on the floor, looking upwards and crying...bawling...

That was the first time i was in love...also the first time i broke up....it hurt so much when we broke up that her dad was consoling me over the phone...

Was such a rush to be in love...such a pure high...so simple...i miss being 20 :)...for that matter i miss being 10!

It's so strange na...when you're growing up, you always have an uncle or an aunt or a cousin telling you to 'enjoy your growing years - later you'll only have memories'...and you're like "i want to grow up quickly and drive a car!" or "i want to grow up quickly and go out on my own!"...even what you want is so simple...

Being in love is so simple...then why do we make it so complex? we make it about 'you' and 'me' and 'i want' and 'you want' and so much else that matters so little....when you're just holding hands and kissing under the stars...

i miss being in love...and truly envy you if you're in love right now :)...cuz you should also know that you're really lucky....in that....as you grow older, you grow to be more cynical....and look at love through those eyes of cynicism...and so love eludes you...

it just like lakshmi (the godess of wealth) is considered to be very 'watchful' and 'unpredictable'...if you don't give her enough importance - she'll up and walk off (much like girls in general :)

...in some way...that's where i am. I didn't respect love enough...i just didn't...and regret makes no difference now...cuz that time has past....and it's all my past....and her past....

Pain lingers...

What i wouldn't give to have a lovers spat right now

It's amazing how physical spaces can hold so many memories..

I'm sitting at nizams in indiranagar eating a chicken egg roll and I look to my left and see my ex and me sitting in the car...breaking up.

I remember having a conversation about a project where trees in public spaces would have some sort of device where people could upload their conversations or memories..and others could just 'plug and play'...also like that postcard project online where people put down their most intimate thoughts in a postcard format and post it online anonymously...

I remember having a conversation with someone about how some guy wanted to get married to a girl from another city - so they didn't have to deal with his memories with others in the variuos spaces about town...they could start afresh - correction - he.

nizaams reminds me of college...6 or 7 years back...we lived in ingr back then, and would order frequently from here...

there's a cool breeze now...accompanying a pretentious me

for a while now iv been feeling as if I was swimming through a pool of jello...everything is really slow...moving slowly...

In my mind I'm in this state of limbo; y'know, when you ask yourself, ''so what next?'' ...at the same time I wonder, 'what am I to learn from this phase...'

Recently, I went through this phase with ninjitsu - I wanted to quit. This is the first time I'm admitting it - even to myself. When I spoke with my teacher about this...about the lack of interest...and some frustration; all he said was that 'it's part of the process'.

Reaching a 'plateau' is part of the process. He also said that 'the better you are, the more difficult it gets' ;) ...no no, blowing my own trumpet is not what this is about. Its just like, ''if you want to live an extraordinary life, deal with extraordinary problems''.

I guess I'm wondering if I'm at the start or middle of some plateau when it comes to work...sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed. I want to sleep and vegetate and watch movies and go to the supermarket and go to the mall....just not for the 10am meeting.

My ninjitsu teacher also said, ''when you feel you're at that plateau, and ur doing the same things the same way over and over again - you should go back to your basics, cuz this is the time they get really strong.''

Basically, if you've hit a plateau, don't look for the next elevation or next mountain to climb. Look back to where you came from and use the plateau as 'space' - on which you can practise and improve those basics from the past.

In my case it would mean -
1. Dont make promises you can't keep.
2. Be on time for meetings.
3. Be courteous and humble, irrespective of the requirement of the job.

Time for some practise.

"i said maybe....you're gonna be the one that saves me....and after all...you're my wonderwall...."

Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna bring it back to you...

Realization is a difficult word. Acceptance is more like a slap in the face. Like the slamming of a door on a cold still night.

Or the blinking of a cursor...frozen fingertips....a buzz in my head and i don't know what to say. Expounding theory after theory about - what....

All i need is a little time...to get behind the sun and cast away...

I run and run and run...from myself. Looking for what...to feel less...numb.

My conscience stares me in the face...i look through it as i would through mist....only to see nothing on the other side and only be more aware of its presence.

A gurgling sound...like molten iron....like boiling tar....i strain to muffle it's sounds...my conscience. I feel numb...i want to feel more....but that's all i feel.

Erase and rewind....then what's the point of hindsight?

I'm excited!!!!

Since we've had enough of the sopping and moping around in the last few posts ;) ...i'm gonna share with you the reason for the sudden excitement!

I have a vision. :) Lets' give some background story...

When i started this studio with Arnab, 3 years ago - i knew what would 'work'. Instinctively. I knew what would sell, i knew what would work in terms of design, presentation - and i did it with much excitement...the exuberance of starting something afresh.

...but i killed that excitement just as quickly in wanting to project a certain 'image' of professionalism - without really understanding what the word meant. Point is i killed the excitement for myself....and the 'vision' of the company and for the company started to blur...i was doing things because i thought they fit into the mould of 'professionalism'...and not because they were part of the 'exit design' identity.

It's so important to know who you are, what you're about, what your quirks are, your strengths, your weaknesses....to know that about yourself - about your company. So often we work in environments because -
1. the pay is good
2. i like the people
3. the company is making money
4. we have a fancy office...

fine....but 'who' is your company? What is it's identity? If it were a person - what kind've humour would it like? Would it like tacos or nachos? Would it be scared of flying? Would it sing in the rain? ....im guessing it might be a bit of a stretch to try and apply some of this to some large tech firm....but tihs kinda thing works for us - and that's what i just realized. :) It took me three years! - no less...but 'realization' is like that....

This company is about fun...and eccentricity....and quirks and being psycho....all this stuck under the corporate suit made of armour - if it doesn't give you the freedom to just 'be'? It might as well be a suit made of steel!

Wow....i had a wow moment....after a long time (all the filthy minds - go wash ur brains with soap!)

hehe amazing how a little space can open up so many possibilites...
(uggghhh!! i didn't ask you to use hamam - buy some industrial detergent if required!!)

like last night...i posted that blog online from the lobby of the hotel...sheesh...

And i'm sorta kicking myself cuz i think i got a bit tooo 'flirty'....y'know....there's a line in flirtation that you don't cross....i think i overstepped it a bit....so gonna give her a call after class this afternoon....

other daft things i've done? ....well.................................


the pause is not cuz i'm too embarassed to admit something stupid i might've done....i just don't get embarassed very often!....i do remember the last coupl've times though and it's all bcuz of one friend of mine!

You see.....ummm.......uhh.......i'm a bit of a prude....*grin*.... a bit old fashioned at times (isn't it convenient to be when we want to) ...so a coupl've weeks back a bunch of us friends were having a nice evening at this dude's pad and the topic turns to - SEX! ....and this guy gets a mad glint in his eye and proceeds to tell everyone how embarassed i get when an open discussion on sex comes up.......see....well, it's a bit situational.....90% of men think with the muscle between their legs....i'll admit i've been one've them at times (safe answer?) ....so when we're talking about some hot young hollywood celeb....everyone's like "ooohhh" and all that....

But when ur talking about....i dunno.....birds and bees and procreation..........i shudder to think that i'll have to have this conversation with my son someday! ....i don't even want to imagine what it'll be like to bring it up with a daughter!!

Anyways, i've gotta run now....have class.....will post an update on 'the phonecall'....

as you'd read in an Archie Double Digest - *gulp*

those who know me know what this is supposed to mean...yes, i heard the music!

ahhh well, went for a friend's wedding on saturday. at her beautiful farm house. the couple looked...perfect. i think a woman looks prettiest and happiest at her wedding.

hmm...as usual i was surrounded by couples...and yes, i was by myself.

with friends, but by myself.

and very strangely...there was this one particular person i really missed last night. i found myself constantly thinking of him. wierd. considering that i've known him for so many years...and he's been with me always...and yes we could have been 'together' if it wasn't for his lack of clarity (!)...and i did manage to wipe him out of my mind over the last few months...but he just came right back...

i think i'll call him and get my head sorted out.

Went to the 'Russell Peters' show last night. Overall, i think i was a bit let down; especially cuz you build him up so much in ur head.

Before i got to the show, a friend of mine told me about how he has 'gone green' the Oscar way! i.e. he's basically recycling his jokes...and if you've seen the shows on the internet, you'll know what i mean.

Standard formula - he made fun of George Bush; made fun of the chinese and Indians and how both can never work together. Generally made fun of a few people in the audience...brought up the story about how hairy he was and how hairy Indians are in general - which led to some hairbrained wisecracks.

Overall, a bit disappointing. That's not to say i didn't laugh - its still quite a skill to crack the same jokes and make people laugh everytime. But you could tell that he was trying really hard - cuz there were atleast a coupl've times when there was this deathly silence......more than a coupl've 'pregnant pauses'.

Felt a little sorry for him :) by the end of it - it almost seemed like he wanted to go off stage. ...entertaining overall....but i've had better. lol

Then went out to dinner with a friend of mine to this really nice restaurant called '3 Storys'. The name is quite literal - it's a 3 storeyed place; serving the most yummy coastal food.

They have a cross section of mangalorean, goan..what else...arrey....'coastal' food, you get what i mean. The piri piri prawns were yummmyy....and the fried fish was just divine. That was the starters. Goes really well with a fresh lime soda.

Then for main course we had aapams (which were cold - having the kitchen on the ground floor and being served on the 3rd floor is a bit impractical at times), iddiappams, some egg parotha, mutton stew and chicken xacuti. The Xacuti was a bit salty and the stew a bit sweet...i didn't mind the stew but didn't much care for the xacuti and appams.

So bottomline being - great place for starters and the terrace is the ideal place for a party for about 25 - 30 ppl. For those familiar with bangalore - this is where the old sunny's used to be. They have a really nice non-veg (lunch) fish thali for about 120 bucks; served in a white thali and white katoris...nice place to have a business lunch. Overall a 3 out've 5.

What made the dinner nicer, was the company ;) Was catching up with an old friend after a while....she was busy telling me about her friends and this major dinner she went to recently. Somewhere along the way we got talking about marriage and she started telling me about how she knew exactly what her life was going to be, given her background.

She knew the kind of family she would get married into, what kind of a lifestyle she would have - and if things were messed up by the time she hit 40 and her parents were 60 - they really wouldn't be able to do much. And then she told me something a friend of her's said to her recently.

"Why would you chose a path if you knew how the story ends? Why would you not do something different?"

..........and that made soo much sense......

So often - we know exactly how something is going to be, how things will work out....and even if we know that it isn't a rosy picture - we resign ourselves to 'fate'. When it isn't about fate. It's about 'choice'. And 'choices' that you make.

Ok, simple example - there must've been some reason why someone went beyond a 'x' and 'y' axis - to create or discover or come up with the idea of a 'z' axis?

Maybe he wasn't getting what he wanted. Maybe he needed to innovate to get a different answer....and innovating to get that answer meant - looking in a different direction.

Sometimes it's just that simple. Sometimes it isn't. But everytime - there's a 'choice' to be made. A 'choice' that might lead to 'knowing' - or getting to a point of 'knowing'....but first traversing the 'unknown'. And so often we make choices that keep us in the realm of the 'knowing' and the 'comfortable'...just to avoid discomfort....or being in a space of vulnerability. I know all this is so general....but maybe we generalize too much in our lives.

Maybe this 'generalization' of things is what stops us from getting 'specific' about what we want out of life. 'Herd-Mentality'.

.....I enjoyed dinner....nice evening overall; dropped her home and headed back myself. Got into a good discipline (atleast over the last 2 days), since writing that speech on Insomnia :) I make sure i'm in bed by 12 and up by 6 - 6:30. You really don't need more sleep - and i get to spend a little time with the folks before heading off to work.

If there's anything that isn't working in your life - i've found that the reason for that not working is invariably a distance or tension or problem at home. So spending even 5 or 10mins with mum or dad in the morning can make a huuuuugee difference - to them, even if you don't see it for yourself.

:)