»life«

isn't there a game called 'tag!'?

...though i think in India we call it 'lock & key' ...'you're it' or 'it' is also the same thing...

I'm guessing you can tell a fair bit about a person's personality by just looking at the 'tags' that make up their blog...

...which in turn make up their 'world'....

(strange percussion music in the background)

you are now enlightened.


(what? read the 'tag'line of this blog - "self indulgence guaranteed")

do you remember how, as kids, we'd 'wish' for things all the time? "i wish the sky was purple"...."i wish papa comes home early today"...."i wish it were simpler to do these math problems"

I received a forward today, at the end of which, like most such emails, it's customary to make a wish (else your private parts will fall off in an hour or something equally bizarre). Point is, as i read those three words,"make a wish", i realized that i had stopped 'wishing' for things a long time ago....

Life makes you so pragmatic...practical....almost cynical about everything. Actually life doesn't do that - but it's one of the spaces that you go through in your life...of being cynical and the like. And you stop wishing.

I used to be such a dreamer - i still am - but not the way it was in the 4th std/grade. Hehe The name of my school building in the 4th std was 'Popatlal Building' :) ...that was a different time...i really loved my childhood...

There's such purity and innocence in making a wish. "I wish the world was a happier place", i'm sure you have said that more than a few times :). That probably is the simplest wish to make a reality - just take care of your happiness and the happiness of those you care for....to whatever degree...spreading 'sunshine' is so simple....unfortunately we're so lost in magnifying everything that's wrong in this world that we miss out on the smaller...seemingly insignificant bits of it...

Like making a wish.

when do my thoughts stop being mine and become....yours....

I sit and write....not knowing who's reading...saying ... thinking what....as a result of reading my writing...some of you would say, "...why do you care?" ....cuz i'd like to know, that's why. No other reason. I'd like to converse...one sided conversation doesn't work for me after a while...

am i giving up on 'blogging' the same way i give up on so many things that don't sustain my interest after a while? am i that fickle?

i wish i knew.

today is an imporant day in my life. Based on what i choose to do today - now - a lot of things will fall into or fall out've place in my life.

....it's amazing how easy it is to connect to people....if you really want to...i love connecting with people....sometimes you connect with them a little too well....and then it hurts when you can't access that connection anymore...when the connection is lost....when there's a cross connection...."what? you have the wrong number!! Please stop calling" ...and just like that, connections are lost...

Have you noticed how rarely you actually ever see a cloud with a silver lining up in the sky? ....and this is from a man who says his glass is half full - all the time...in the recent past it has been....i've been getting quite smashed as a result of it...

Our minds work in such 'mysterious ways' (you like that band too?)...we make the most arbid, randomn connections from one point to the other extreme....like jumping from one place to another...jet-setting....it'll be a thing of the past once teleportation is a reality (starwars)...

Life is a perfect symphony
of phonies and fairies
on the streets
and on the stairs
must you beware
of a little feeling
that leaves you reeling
like a shot through the heart
and it all becomes dark
after a flash of light
leaving you in flights
of fancy and fantasy
of calm and ecstacy
before you encounter
burning skies and swarming locusts
falling toads and seas that make you retch and focus
on the dream
and you *awake*
to reality.

when will my words stop being mine....and become...yours?

...over the last few days i've changed the name of this blog thrice...

'Design Rocks!'
'Moi!Muah'
and now - 'Identity Crisis' <- quite apt actually. Also reflective of my state of mind right now...

I don't have an identity crisis :) far from it....but i do know that there's a 'search' happening in my mind...there's a little confusion...and confusion is good.

"Confusion is a state of expansion of the mind."

My cousin said that to me a long long time ago....and it makes a lot of sense. Confusion does.

If you're confused - then there's some change happening somewhere - and change is always a good thing. Change is constant.

I've also just realized that my writing is very....well....'general'..some of it almost predictable...maybe a little repetitive even. Repetitive of thoughts/words you might have heard, read, spoken elsewhere...I don't know if my writing has a particular 'flavor' or even if it should...but i've started writing again after a coupl've years - which is good.

Confusion is good. Change is good. Writing is good.

Life is good.

'Spectacular!' is around the corner ;) ...my glass is ALWAYS half full...and it's on it's way up!

I was watching Amitabh Bachchan's interview last night on NDTV.........that has no real connection with what i'm writing othr than being a thought in my head right now....don't know where this piece will end...

I've pictured myself....(many times)...with greying hair overlooking a blue ocean while sailing a yacht...or maneouvering a powerboat over rough seas...a greying skyline in the distance....but the blue ocean open to me...

I've pictured myself....(many times)....powering my way through cobbled streets somewhere on a side street in Italy, driving a red Maserati....

I've pictured myself...(many times)....sitting on the pateo....a clear summer day outside...reading a book with my wife by my side....looking at our children...or grandchildren playing out in front....

How important is it to visualize your goals? Should they be as clear as this brown text reads on the cream background...being read from some monitor... somewhere in the world...?

Should your visualization be driven by greed....avarice... by a need for self satisfaction....by a desire for peace... by a search for happiness...by the questioning that eventually finds you that treasure...what should you be driven by?

I don't know what i should or should not be driven by but i know that i am driven by what i often see myself doing....or being....in the future....i see myself saying and doing that and so much more....and yet... :) ....i find myself, whenever i have time to myself, questioning the very things that take up all my time...

Its so easy to get carried away doing the things that you think make you happy - right now. You go from day to day everyday...new years eve and what you did then, seems like yesterday - and yet it's already two months into the new year...what happened to those 'new year resolutions'....those vows of change...

New Year's eve is just another day...a reason to have a global party - not much else. It's a reason to draw ourselves away from the time consuming everyday things...time to start anew - for one day? It's a time to reassess wants, needs and desires - for one year?

Ten years have passed since i finished with my 10th std. I kept saying i'll go back to mysore and collect my school leaving certificate...but before i know it...ten years pass by and i'm on the verge of my 26th birthday...

I want to drive the Maserati...have a house on a hill...look out over a city from my office....but are all of these just pipe dreams?

Those new year resolutions....those unkept promises.... living a life day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after year after year after year after year after year after year after year after....decades pass you by...and so does a lifetime..........and at the end of that lifetime...did you do enough....did you live....

did i live

...i sat for a few minutes in front of the computer before turning it on...thinking about how i'd spent my whole sunday...

I watched 'Pretty Woman' in the morning...watched a bit of 'Runaway Bride' in the afternoon....followed by a bit of 'Mortal Kombat'....and then 'Stepmom' a short while back (it was Julia Roberts' day; quite like her anyway). Inbetween all this, i had prawncurry rice for lunch, kept making trips to the fridge through the day (explains my expanding girth) and sent a few sms's and did some stuff on the laptop as well...

In short, my whole day was the result of 'communication' - i was communicating with the t.v., fridge, my cellphone and my laptop. Besides communicating with the bed and my pajamas through the day.

As i sat before the computer, about to turn it on - i realized that it was almost instinctive. I - needed - to be in touch with something or someone at all times. Be it the characters of a movie or those in real life...and were all this to be taken away, or not be available - i think i'd feel the way i did as i sat before the computer....a little lost.

What if i woke up tomorrow and there was no cellphone, no t.v., no laptop, no computer, no car, no watch, no landline, no people to communicate with....no people anywhere - no people on the roads, no people in their houses, no people in little pan shops, no dogs on the street, no cars on the roads, no airplanes, no ships, no trains...no bell ringing in the morning when my dad prays....no parents, no family...no pets...nobody...

I'd feel as empty as i do as i write this.

My world is about people. People i know / don't know. People i'm in touch with / not in touch with. People i've met / haven't met / will never meet...

My world is a result of all those people...and if they weren't around...i'd feel - lost.

It's not to say....well.....it gets me thinking about how people matter to me...in how many different ways....what do they bring to my life...and what do i, in turn, bring to theirs.

If i were to die the moment i publish this post online - will i have lived my life for myself...or for others...?

I won't be around to answer that question.............who will..?

....had breakfast today, then not much through the day...just opened the fridge to find a bowl of red pomegrenate fruit...it's the yummiest looking color of red you're likely to see at 2 in the morning with the only light coming from the fridge...

There's 'The Interpreter' showing on tv right now...watched it the other day as well. (Just realized that a friend pointed out that i overdo my usage of the 'ellipsis' - it" ' "s, you " ' "re - cutting words short - it's...sorry....it is, almost, a lazy usage of the language. Also, it sometimes leads to very famous mistakes, case in point being the 18pg letter that Rachel wrote to Ross...later he points out that "you're" is "you are", and so on)

Sean Penn is quite a fabulous actor.

The other day i was on S.P.Road searching for cd's for something a client needed; the vendor had 'issues' so i got it done myself. The city-market area in Bangalore is what Bangalore is really about. City-market, Malleswaram, Jayanagar - it's a different world when you're in those places....the Bangalore that most of us 'westernized Indian's' (that's how i was described - for the first time in my life - this evening at a 'page3' party) live in and know - brigade road, lavelle road, mg road, indiranagar, koramangala...life is just so slow this side....

You need to walk down the crowded bylanes of S.P.Road and Avenue Road to get a 'feel' of the people that drive this city...i had a hot dosa on one of these busy streets; it's called "khao galli" (eat street). Post 7pm, burly kannadiga men in their panches push these carts onto this particular street in city market where some of them make the most delicious idli's and dosa's you'll ever eat; having said that, they aren't cheap! I thought it would cost me something like 10 or 12 rupees - it was actually 18; guess i paid for the experience, more than the dosa.

I find it really strange when people say, "oh, so you're also suffering the same thing that i am....that's so good/reassuring to know." I don't understand how someone else can feel good or be comforted by somebody else's suffering. Then again, sorrow (as is joy) is a universal bonding agent. Alcohol too. Hence, "Drown your sorrows in drink." ....but i get what it's about. The empathy. And the fact that no one wants to be alone....especially in suffering. No one should be.

I went for one've those 'pseudo page3' parties where everyone has a 'pretend' smile plastered on their faces and 'pretends' to be interested in the evenings proceedings. It's all a big pretense. So i decided to have a conversation with a friend about his Bob Marley cap and if he wanted dreadlocks....followed by making two rounds at the kebab counter to get myself some tiger prawns (which i didn't eventually)....and then dancing on my own on the makeshift dance floor where this inebriated woman, out of nowhere, decied to stare at me for about 6secs and then just drop her glass full of alcohol in the middle of the dance floor, it was quite strange.

When i'm drunk, i'm a happy drunk. I try and be as responsible (though the meaning of the word becomes extremely 'relative' to every other thing/place/person every few minutes) as i can be. To me, dropping a glass full of alcohol - deliberately - is just reckless and if done for attention - that woman has issues.

The movie is in its last 20mins or so.

There's a big Snickers bar on this table, i'm extreeeemeeely tempted to bite into it, but i know i shouldn't. Trying to watch what i eat. In this case, i'm doing a lot of watching.

I hate commercial breaks!

....i was going to wait till the movie ended to finish with this post, but with the way these commercials are going....looks like it could take a while.

...finally! it's back

i want to watch this final bit....and it is now 3am (actually started this at 2:21)

sleep tight...wherever you are...whoever you are...i wish i knew a african lullaby or something that creates that sweet anxiety of being given something unexpected before going to sleep :) ...i think those are some of the nicest surprises.

Goodnight.

i was listening to 'when it falls' by Zero 7 earlier today in the car... (nice loungy/jazz sound, worth checking out if you haven't already)...and listening to the tune i suddenly felt like a stranger in a new town.

I love that feeling.

When you're in a new city/town....place....and everything is a 'discovery'. The panwallla on the street corner. Crowded roads. The color of buildings. Cyclists and cows on the road. Everything seems new, like you've never seen it before.

I was out this evening at a usual Sunday karaoke night with a few friends when one've them observed how music triggers certain memories. And does so only in a specific scenario...in a certain set of conditions....only in that moment. You listen to that same song on a sweaty Thursday afternoon in the midst of heavy traffic, i doubt you'll get the same result. :)

Later i was watching everyone dance after having sung my usual quota of songs...if you 'mute' the whole picture, people look really funny.

One looks like he's being electrocuted and is constipated at the same time...a couple elsewhere look like they're glued at the hip (wonder why)...in yet another direction - a couple dance close to each other - not really with each other - but close to each other...close enough for anyone to be able to sense the sexual tension between them...a relationship of 'convenience'...

I was looking at some of the women there and i said to myself, "i miss that". Miss what? Having a really hot girlfriend! lol....no seriously...i love being in a relationship. I'm not complaining about being single (for a while now)....but i miss the comfort of being with someone, with whom you don't have to pretend. It's amazing how when you've been in a relationship for a while...and long after it's over...you still associate places, streets, restaurants....."moments"...with that relationship. I mean, i drive around my neighborhood and the memories are still fresh...like yesterday. This is with anyone you've really cared for...the person moves on...but the memories remain.

Watched a play the other day about 'memories'. It was quite disjointed and didn't really have a flow or theme to it...but it had a lot of 'triggers'. Moments or 'sketches' that triggered something in your mind....worked as catalysts....and refreshed something from really long ago...

Being in love is such a high...

A couple i know of is close to getting engaged and as a friend put it so eloquently, "You feel a bit hollow don't you?" I do Mr.N...i do.

Makes you wonder if relationships of convenience are really worth it...they aren't really. I'd rather meet a girl i don't know...dance with her and make her laugh...and never see her again....i'd take that over a relationship of convenience - anyday.

More on relationships later...there's a lot to be said.

It's been a mixed bag of emotions since landing in Delhi last night. (Horrid time: missed my flight in the morning - had to buy a fresh ticket - didn't get a direct flight, went through hyderabad - avoidable.)

The first thing that strikes you about delhi, at night or during the day, is the 'space'. Everything here is BIG. The houses are HUGE! Roads are quite awesome. All working towards getting ready for the Commonwealth Games in 2010. And Delhi has a 'Common Minimum Plan' for 2010 and 2020. All the shops in residential areas (more than half of them) are going to be shut down or sealed if not shut. By 2020 - about 30% of Delhi will be razed to the ground - primarily illegal settlements, encroachment of land, hutments and the like.

It was good to finally reach home last evening...had some yummy food (SpiceJet serves water and Minto's on the flight, and when i asked if we would be given something else - the hostess promised a 'surprise' {at which point i was thinking 'wet t-shirt contest'} - but i was given a cookie instead!!) ...had a good night's sleep.

..surfaced around 9 this morning...was ready and at the table by 10 for some breakfast....then was out to meet my cousins in Naraina Vihar. I'm presently staying in New Friends Colony - Naraina is about 45mins away. The other great thing about Delhi are the flyovers - thanks to them you just don't hit a 'junction' - you 'fly' past them! hehe

Once at my badima's place...i finally met my nephew!!! He's so enthuuuu!! :) :) :) Full of energy - he's barely a year old and is already talking...well, repeating words :) but very smart for a 1yr old! ....later, it struck me that 24 years ago...my parents were carrying one year old me around and my mama (mum's bro) was probably feeling the same as i did today....was a surreal feeling....that the 'lifecycle' happened so fast and the 'next generation' of Malhotra's was already here...

Had the same feeling again when i was browsing through my cousins' wedding album...and found a studio shot with my cousin, bhabhi and their son. I remember seeing a similar photo of my parents, my dad's parents - and me. ...that was shot 24 years ago....and here i was looking at the following generation with the generation following! ....maybe 'generation' isn't the right word...but this little one year old kid is the first of the next bunch...

The other conversation that was a constant today was about my wedding. And that i should get married within a year. :) I thought it was sweet, but i really don't want to be married for another 3 or 4 years at the very least. There's also the small matter of finding a girl and falling in love. I'm a romantic...so that's the route i'd like to take :)

Overall it's been a nice day...i love being with family. Especially coming to Delhi or going down to Coorg...meeting people you would only ever see in a wedding once in 5 or 7 years...or almost never. It's important to 'connect'. And to keep that 'connection' alive with these very people.

There's something so amazing, pure and simple about a photograph....a moment in time....they really do speak a 1000 words and more.

So don't be embarassed to take a photograph the next time you're out with the 'out've town cousins' at the favourite chinese restaurant. The embarassing picture of you - with your sunniest smile ever - AND a large piece of spinach in your teeth...might actually be worth the memory. ;) Hey, if it makes a few people laugh - what the heck!

When it rains it pours...suddenly i have verbal diarhoea (at this point i open word to check the spelling)............................. ..................."Diarrhea"...that doesn't look right....checking "new websters expanded dictionary"....definition: 'a morbidly frequent evacuation of the intestines'

*grin*

why do most guys have this morbid fascination for all things disgusting and grose? or is that gross...like bass is not 'base', but 'bass'...like the fish i think....

i just visited a friends blog http://typolis.net/kraftedlogic, and he had a map there that displays the % of the world he has visited...and this guy has visited quite a few countries in europe, been to a few places in south east asia...(well....one place, South Korea :) ...and in all he's - correction - he has (he's would be he is) seen 5% of the world...

I've been to exactly '0' places outside India. I'm a true patriot you see - given that India gave the world '0'. ;)