A heightened state of awareness. I wrote about this many months ago.

I just watched 'Great Expectations' for the first time. And now it's one've my favourite movies to watch. It seemed so ....real. The story was a contemporary fairytale - but the emotion with which was expressed was more real than some real people care to feel.

Over the last few weeks, i've been left pondering about who my friends are. There are some i feel a sense of 'competition' with. Other who insist on taking potshots at my expense. Yet others with whom it's unpredictable. Am i being overtly judgemental? Or are my relationships with people i've known for some time now...evolving?

Sometimes as a result of evolution, things better. Other times, they don't - they just move into a different direction. And people grow apart. With two of my friends, i feel that happening. Maybe i am judgemental. Is this also part of 'growing up'?

"Choosing" - ?

Making selfish choices. Friends that contribute to my growth - and so i choose to contribute to theirs. "Matlabi Duniya". "A dog eat dog world".

* SNAP *

...and ties break. Am i being overdramatic? Maybe...My problem is that i'm too nice, and people take advantage of that. No - i let them. I smile and laugh it off. Under the pretext of, "I'm not like this - how can they be? How can people be like this?"

People are the way they are. If certain choices have to be made - they have to be made. Life goes on.

Over estimating friendships can be a dangerous thing. Something i wouldn't advise. Have i over-estimated some? I'll know soon.

Like any other day. Wakeup in the morning, get ready - 4 hours of class. 3 today because i was an hour late.

The longer you train, the more your relationship with 'class' as it were - changes. Today i'm training for my 2nd kyu exam - to happen soon. So that is my focus - with the larger goal being my black belt.

And in that 'focus' - i noticed something about someone else's relationship with 'focus'. Su and and i trained today for quite a while, and i noticed that whenever she tried to do a technique fast, she didn't 'get it' and would beat herself up over it - but the moment she slowed down - she got the technique immediately.

Also noticed how Nandi didn't expend extra energy - she said what she wanted to say in explaining a technique, demonstrated it and then, "Play!"

Clarity. Crisp Focus. In pursuit of my goal i'm becoming like a horse with blinkers - 10 degree vision. But it's important to acknowledge the need for a 'collective focus' as well. Especially while doing Suburi. As an individual there's only so much i can train - i could train for weeks, months and years - and not know how much or if i've grown at all. And the moment you train with another individual - it changes completely. Like language.

Look forward to training with Shiva, Preetam and Nikolaj soon. Santosh & Arjun - in time.

i don't like pretense. And i don't like people who pretend.
Soemtimes that includes me - quite honestly. I don't like myself when i'm pretending. Cuz i'm not being me.